useful things to say in a meeting

Just remind me, what was this meeting supposed to have been about?

This meeting is neither the time or the place to be talking out of your arse.

I note your point. Does anyone have something sensible to say?

Are you aware of what type of equipment we make here?

Do we have a budget for this one or are we winging it again?

Ah! I didn't realise that when it came to this subject that there were so many Muggles.

Oh remind me again, what is your job function?

Disappointing. Does anyone have something to contribute before I cry?

EVEN MORE NOTES LEFT IN A STUDENT LET

Dear Lucy
I brushed my teeth both day and night
to try remove the taste of shite,
now I find out you put it there,
along with some ginger pubic hair.
Tom

Dear Tom
The pubic hair just isn't mine,
It could be Bob the filthy swine,
or possibly I am thinking that
it could be Sally's ginger cat.
Lucy

Dear Sally
Thank you for the soup today,
we didn't throw a drop away!
The meat was perhaps a little stringy,
and tasted like a Wombats thingy.
Bob

Dear Bob
Please refrain when you get the feeling,
from sticking your pants to the kitchen ceiling.
A pair peeled off in my veggie stew,
so I liquidised it for Tom and you!
Sally

Dear All
I came in pissed last night and found
my ginger pussy on the ground,
damp and filthy and all forlorn,
exposed to the elements on the back lawn.
Sally

More notes left in a Student let.

Notes left in a student let.

Dear Lucy,
Today I may have sniffed your pants,
your sweaty, sticky sexy pants,
I kissed the gusset and in a trance,
I put them on and did a dance. 
Tom

Dear Tom,
A connoisseur might taste the mint,
not a lot, perhaps a hint,
I may have used your toothbrush
see it keeps my knickers skid-mark free! 
Lucy


Dear Lucy,
I must confess that I am aching
to munch upon your knicker bacon,
I'd like to get down there beneath
and use your pubes to clean my teeth!
Sally

Dear Sally,
Thank you for the invitation,
I am afraid that is not my inclination,
and as for pubic hair, it's gone,
thanks to a razor I borrow from Tom.
Lucy 


Dear Lucy,
Today it sadly came to pass,
I thought I'd light my bottom gas.
I am sorry for that awful smell, 
but burning arse hair stinks like Hell.
Tom

Dear Tom,
I smelled the kitchen with dismay
and threw your sweaty socks away,
out of the window went Sally's cat
whilst I tried to find where it had shat!
Lucy 

Farts

You might just find me somewhat crass,
but some time back it came to pass,
I thought I'd light flatulatory gas.

I planned it out - I'd bear my ass,
and with a flick of a match there would be a flash,
there was a crackle as my butt hair, like dried out grass,
went up like a bush fire and fell as ash.

I studied the floor in some dismay,
I got the brush and cleared away,
The truth I would never have to say
For both cheeks I kept the other way.

Notes left in a student let

Okay, I tried my hand at a little poetry, it may have turned out somewhat more offensive than I had intended but I though I would share it anyway..............DO NOT READ ON IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED!

Notes left in a student let.

Dear Lucy,
Today I may have sniffed your pants,
your sweaty, sticky sexy pants,
I kissed the gusset and in a trance,
I put them on and did a dance.

Dear Tom,
A connoisseur might taste the mint,
not a lot, perhaps a hint,
I may have used your toothbrush
see it keeps my knickers skid-mark free!

Retirement - Ha!

I am 64


I was asked the other day if I had thought about when I would retire.
I thought for a second and then, waving a hand generally around the office, said "When this lot stop amusing me and start humouring me instead".


I think that is a fair summation.

Not F**king Impressed

Rumour has it that the reason suicide bombers blow themselves up is that they have been promised a place in Heaven, where there will be 30 virgins waiting for them.

Clearly I need to point out a few things because these guys have not thought this through.

1/ Are you intending to be in Heaven for eternity? Because virgins are only virgins once! What will you do after the first few weeks, oh! in fact for eternity!

2/ If you are intending to 'have your way' with these virgins, you might need a body, and you have not  exactly looked after yours, have you?

3/ There may be a reason that these poor ladies have made it to Heaven whilst still retaining their virginity. Shame I won't be around to sort the video out on to U tube when you lift the veils!

4/ I have done the maths, you are outnumbered 30:1, so there is a good chance that you are about to enter a place of eternal retribution. (Hell?)

I apologise for doing this in a light hearted way, I could rant and rave about the atrocities in Brussels yesterday, but it will not stop the evil. This can only be done from within, moderate Muslims need to shop these idiots to the police, otherwise those of us who believe in a caring, good society are going to trust you less and less.