17
A Gardening Calendar
I have to admit that I am not the worlds best gardener and unless I write things down I tend to forget that they need doing. I am sure that there are many people out there with the same sort of problem. With this in mind I have developed a simple month by month guide to gardening tasks to assist those of you who really have not got a clue.
January:-
Not a lot to do in January, Just clear the snow off the more delicate plants such as the Chlamydia and ensure that any early shoots of Spondylitis and Orchitis which may be just starting to show are protected from the worst of the frosts.
February:-
A general tidy up this month and ensure that your Trachea is firmly mounted ready for your climbing plants such as the Phymosis and Vulvitis.
March:-
If you have fruit trees, check them during March for diseases, in particular if you have a Cherry, check carefully for any signs of Balinitis or Aphids such as Corpal crabs. If you have any signs of the latter then you will almost certainly need to check around the Clitoris for similar signs. Suitable treatments are readily available from most garden stores, left untreated these can devastate any summer displays.
April:-
Proper gardening starts in April. Visit your local garden store and purchase some seeds such as Genitalia or the rarer Aspermia and spread these out carefully in seed boxes ready for planting out later in the year.
May:-
If you are growing your own vegetables, remember that these will always do better in a greenhouse or under a colon. If you are using the latter method remember that your plants will be more prone to pests such as Threadworm.
June:-
Throw away the pathetic results of your seed growing and go back to the garden store to buy some healthy plants. Once you become more experienced at growing plants from seeds, you will realise that this is an utterly futile exercise and you will be able to miss out the seed box bit altogether and simply buy healthy plants in the first place.
July:-
Mow the grass and sit back in the garden furniture, have a beer, and simply enjoy the wonderful colours of the Genitalia all around you. Do not be too disappointed if the Aspermia is a flop, it rarely comes to anything.
August:-
By now you will be fed up of mowing the lawn, so buy one of those 12ft diameter quick set pools, and place it in the middle of the grass. Not only will this reduce the area of the lawn by about 100 square feet, but it will render the rest of the grass un-mowable since the cuttings will get in the water.
September:-
There will usually be a ban on watering the garden by now due to a shortage of water. No matter, use the water from the pool. I find the easiest way is to remove the bung and let the water do it’s job.
October:-
By now it will have rained every day since you released the water from the pool. This will have rotted all the vegetables. Never mind, put them on the compost heap, they make better compost than food anyway.
November:-
Another clear up month. Sweep up all the leaves and pile them in the middle of the lawn in the bald muddy patch left behind by the pool. Have a garden fire, what the heck, it can’t get any worse. Encourage the neighbours to come around with some of their rubbish then they can’t complain about the all the flaky burnt bits all over their car paint.
December:-Make a plan this month to decide what to move around in early spring, but don’t forget that certain plants such as the Clitoris prefer shade and to be kept moist. Enjoy the winter delights such as Rhynophyma and Myxoedema.
Sunday 26 September 2010
Saturday 25 September 2010
Ed Milliband
So......Ed Milliband is going to lead the Labour party..........His brother Glenn is going back to playing music!!
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