Slippy roads - if you can find them!

The roads were a bit treacherous this morning - I know it is too late to warn anyone! I presume that the lack of gritting effort was in one way or another due to lack of cash, caused by the restrictions of our wonderful Government.
And just think of all the money we have saved in the Somerset levels by not dredging rivers. 
I think we did something about lower reaches of rivers silting up as the water speed drops, it causes the rivers eventually to run at a higher level than the surrounding ground, the water being held back by levees [raised banks] left to it's own devices the river will not be able to cope and eventually the land around it floods.
- Basic Geography!
I presume no one involved in the Environment agency did Geography at school, but unlike me they will have passed Economics!
 But never mind, the money saved can be put towards paying for the Dutch to come and rescue us with giant pipes and pumps.
- Basic Economics!

Funeral Expenses

The bloke from Hatchet Insurance Company rang and asked if I had planned for my funeral. Now, I think that he may have just possibly caught me in a less than pliable mood for talking about insurance to cover me for my final demise, particularly since I was in the process of filling my face with a spectacularly delicious evening meal and I think that I may have been a little short with the guy.

      “Oh yes!” I said, “If I have any sort of notice that my funeral is coming, my plan is to eat plenty of beans, as I fully intend to be as much of a nuisance as I can at the funeral parlour, and if I could possibly manage to fart as I disappeared through the curtains at the crematorium, it would lighten up the proceedings and might just possibly make a few of my mourners smile, they might not mind quite as much after all, that they were having to foot the bill to despatch my remains. And finally, it would be nice to go with a bit of a bang!”

            I thought that it was rather rude that he hung up without uttering a single word of reply. 

You have to admire the Alzheimer's Society, providing old folk with help with ..stuff, in the certain knowledge that none of them will remember a wossname that has been thingied!

IQ

What a terrible responsibility it is to have a reasonable IQ.....
You notice that there are a good many around you who cannot possibly be afflicted in the same way,
you notice that Universities are carrying out research into things that are damn well obvious,
you hate being told how to do something that has come as second nature to you for years,
but the look you get from the guy with the calculator in his hand is priceless when he realizes that the answer he has just worked out is the number you mumbled quietly a few seconds earlier!

Table Tennis

As age has started to creep up, I have had to give up some of the sports I enjoy. For example I no longer play football, I did play 5 a side for a while but got banned for life at the age of 55. Actually - Jackie banned me after I came home with a torn calf muscle and had to spend the next few weeks hobbling around on crutches.
Luckily there are gentler sports such as table tennis...........OK it is gentler if you don't lash out at the ball and  bash the knuckle of your little finger on the corner of the table........then it becomes table Tourettes.
I only started playing a couple of years ago...and I think I am improving!
I got very close to beating Tony Ertzabitt today, [only one of the best players at work, so this would have been quite an achievement]! But at 19-20 down I fluffed my serve and lost.
Tony commented that I nearly got him that time. I explained that I had got so exited at the thought that I might beat him that I had a 'semi' on and lost my concentration. At this point Tony expressed incredulity that I could still suffer from that type of problem at my age [61], I explained that I was still fit and healthy and that it happens quite often when I wear my support hosiery!

Pathetic sometimes

I have realized that I have developed some really quirky habits, for example I ALWAYS turn a biscuit over to see what type of conveyor band it has been baked on. I always look carefully at the egg custards in the Supermarket to make sure that the Nutmeg depositor [that I designed] is still working correctly, I check the number of mini Swiss rolls in a tub, just to make sure that the pot fillers are still working properly. I suppose that I am one of the few people who can never get away from their work, plus I have hundreds of excuses to buy things for scientific research!

HOW KNOWLEDGE WORKS

HOW KNOWLEDGE WORKS:-
There are those that think they know everything, these are the ones who don't know that they don't know everything.
There are those who know that they don't know everything, these are the ones that know that the ones who don't know that they don't know everything know Jack Shit.

With humble apologies to Donald Rumsfeld for almost stealing an idea!