Writers block

I was asked about writers block...........
If I have problems writing, I observe life around me, read the papers, especially local news and sometimes just watch people [fast food places, supermarkets and work are usually pretty good] , there is usually inspiration somewhere. I imagine a life behind the character that the face suggests. It never works, but I do get ejected from places on a regular basis, and occasionally get my collar felt, this gives me something to write about!

The Cheque

Now, I did not regard my literary exploit [Memoirs of an Ordinary Man] as being a complete fail, indeed everyone who has posted a review has given it five stars. Especially now it is also available  as an e-book on dozens of web sites all over.You would think then that sales would increase exponentially! I was a little disappointed when I got my royalty cheque for the last quarter. My sales totalled seven....giving me £7.07.....there was an unexplained deduction of £4.46 [I think this is 30% witholding tax levied by the US government on last years sales].......leaving me with with a grand total of £1.84, I think that it is possibly technically fraud if I do not pay this into my business account and have therefore to pay to put the cheque into the bank, leaving me with 34 pence, minus 30% UK tax is mmmmm.......... about 22 pence. This would have just about covered the fuel to drive to my local branch of HSBC, but it is closing this month and my account is being transferred to Horsforth. This will now cost me about £1.80 each way ignoring any time I lose. But never mind.......I can kill 2 birds with on stone, I have a cheque for 37 pence from Santander bank, a dividend because I have some shares!
Starting to feel rich already!!!

Countryside

I love the summer. The sounds of the countryside, the clap of the cow and the mown of the Hay!

Famous Saying

Every cloud rains on our parade!

The Prezzy

Nowt ever runs just so does it……..I ordered a 40th Wedding Anniversary present for Jackie, off the internet to prove to myself that I am still with it as far as all this technology stuff goes.

Now being a tight fisted Yorkshire bloke, when it came to selecting the delivery method, I could not bring myself to click on the box that said express delivery, I told myself that there would be people who were more in need of that service and I would never want to be the one to deprive anyone of a much needed space in the queue. Plus ‘standard delivery’ was free!

So I waited. I checked my order status on line, and it was on it’s way.

And I waited.

The day before our anniversary, still waiting, I thought I had better do something about the situation, it may have been the inner fear of impending doom that caused me to spring into action.

I ran around town looking at jewellery with red stones [even very rich Yorkshiremen can’t ‘afford’ real rubies!] and eventually plumped for a nice necklace.

Chuffed, I marched back to the car. I pulled out of my space in the car park feeling very pleased with myself, if somewhat miffed that I had now spent far more on a replacement than I would have done had I chosen the ‘express delivery’ option. As I pulled out an old gent signalled his intention to pull into my space. I let him in, and in a spirit of true generosity, I asked if he would like my ticket, as it had plenty of time left on it.

Leaving the car park, the phone rang:

“Mick, there is a parcel to pick up down at the post office, are you still down in Otley?”

“Just leaving the car park” I replied, “but, no problem, I will park up and collect it.”

It did turn out to be a bit of a problem as I had just given the last parking space away and had to drive round and round until one became available. After what seemed an age, one became available, and it slowly dawned on me that I had compounded the problem as I now had to buy a ticket with far too much time on it because I did not have the right change – again!

Now Fridays, being a Market day in Otley can be a bit busy, so when I got to the Post Office, I had to queue. I had just started to think that it was a good job I got a long time on the ticket when it was finally my turn to be served.

“Oh!” said the woman behind the glass, ”we don’t deal with returned post here, you need to go to the parcel counter around the corner.”

Bugger! I thought, but OK round the corner it is, after all this was the present I had been expecting to be delivered all week.

I told the guy behind the counter that I had a parcel to pick up and gave him the reference number. He disappeared for a long time. Eventually he came back carrying a red envelope. “I am afraid there is £1.50 to pay”

“I am afraid that what you have in your hand is not what I was expecting.”

“Well”, he said, “I wouldn’t have called it a parcel.”

I paid the money and took the envelope.

Back up home at long last, Jackie told me that the parcel van had just been round and there was something in the front room. Here was my parcel at last! – Jackie had an extra present but never mind!

I turned my attention to the red envelope, It was a card from Alan Didwell, unfortunately, he could not come to the party……………….

Thanks

Thank you to everyone who helped make the party for our 40th wedding anniversary a success! Especially our three girls who put in a lot of effort, thank goodness we made a complete cock up of birth control!

I am blown away by the skill of my three daughters.
The most fabulous anniversary cake ever..........heh heh-toppped with a Moss Malvern!

Egged on

I should have known it was a mistake to drive back from St James's Hospital [where we had just been visiting the mum in law] via Harehills. If you don't know Leeds, let us just say that Harehills has a bit of an international flavour about it, Oh! who am I kidding, I had to bribe the guard at the border post!
But seriously, there were two youths walking down the middle of the main road and as I got close one of them raised his arm and pelted my car with an egg, resulting in several hundred pounds worth of improvements. Luckily for them they missed the windscreen or I may have run them over! .............................................I may still run them over if they are in the road tomorrow.

Binary bollocks

Looked at the dash as I pulled up outside and the mileage reading was 111111 which either means:

a/ the car has done an inordinate number of miles and I should therefore prepare myself for things to start failing.

b/ the car has done an inordinate number of miles and things are failing, starting with the mileage display.

c/ I have slipped into a parallel universe where only binary numbers exist and the car has just clocked up a grand total of 63 miles.

I think I prefer the latter, this would also explain why Jackie's tax return never got to the inland revenue in time to prevent them giving us a fine of £100. If this truly is a parallel universe I should send a check for four pounds and hope I do not hear anything else!

Windows XP

Eagerly checked my E-mail today. I was seriously disappointed that I had not had a reply from Microsoft regarding their incorrect decision to pull the plug on Windows XP. I thought that they might also allow me to use the full functionality of my copy of XP seeing as how it is now worthless, and can no longer be bought. In any case, my XP is a genuine copy. I don't have the disc anymore and my computer is now built into it's third case, so I can no longer prove otherwise..........Just release it for me you burks!!!!!!! aaaarrrrgh!!!!

Microsoft, bloody Microsoft

I visited Microsoft website today, and took the survey having utterly failed in my quest. I was always bound to fail because the software that I love to use and runs well and problem free is being chopped up for firewood - Windows XP is being phased out.
Listen to the Luddite I hear you say!
I do not like it when people force me to change things for no other reason than they want to make money out of me.
So I may have lost it slightly when I took the survey and I was asked if I thought there was anything that would improve the website, having pratted around in circles for half an hour..........

A simple list of available downloads, software and repairs, instead of trying to sell an upgrade that will most likely cause problems on my aging computer. Windows is supposed to be a tool to make the experience of using a computer better, instead I am being forced into an upgrade that I do not want, is not essential and will cost me time to set up. As a one man business trying to rush some work out this is nothing short of disastrous - Thanks a bunch Microsoft

To add insult to injury I was asked what level I went to with my education and the only thing that I could choose was 'some college work'
With several [7] successful patents in which I was named as 'inventor' and a couple of decades behind me running teams of design engineers, experience has been my highest qualification, not some frigging button on a survey!

Slippy roads - if you can find them!

The roads were a bit treacherous this morning - I know it is too late to warn anyone! I presume that the lack of gritting effort was in one way or another due to lack of cash, caused by the restrictions of our wonderful Government.
And just think of all the money we have saved in the Somerset levels by not dredging rivers. 
I think we did something about lower reaches of rivers silting up as the water speed drops, it causes the rivers eventually to run at a higher level than the surrounding ground, the water being held back by levees [raised banks] left to it's own devices the river will not be able to cope and eventually the land around it floods.
- Basic Geography!
I presume no one involved in the Environment agency did Geography at school, but unlike me they will have passed Economics!
 But never mind, the money saved can be put towards paying for the Dutch to come and rescue us with giant pipes and pumps.
- Basic Economics!