Retirement - Ha!

I am 64


I was asked the other day if I had thought about when I would retire.
I thought for a second and then, waving a hand generally around the office, said "When this lot stop amusing me and start humouring me instead".


I think that is a fair summation.

Not F**king Impressed

Rumour has it that the reason suicide bombers blow themselves up is that they have been promised a place in Heaven, where there will be 30 virgins waiting for them.

Clearly I need to point out a few things because these guys have not thought this through.

1/ Are you intending to be in Heaven for eternity? Because virgins are only virgins once! What will you do after the first few weeks, oh! in fact for eternity!

2/ If you are intending to 'have your way' with these virgins, you might need a body, and you have not  exactly looked after yours, have you?

3/ There may be a reason that these poor ladies have made it to Heaven whilst still retaining their virginity. Shame I won't be around to sort the video out on to U tube when you lift the veils!

4/ I have done the maths, you are outnumbered 30:1, so there is a good chance that you are about to enter a place of eternal retribution. (Hell?)

I apologise for doing this in a light hearted way, I could rant and rave about the atrocities in Brussels yesterday, but it will not stop the evil. This can only be done from within, moderate Muslims need to shop these idiots to the police, otherwise those of us who believe in a caring, good society are going to trust you less and less.

Light at the end of the tunnel

What I am starting to realise is that the light at the end of the tunnel is only there so you can see the writing on the wall!

Cyclists

Now, I was a bit of a fan when I was younger of getting up in the saddle and pushing pedals to get me anywhere, and I always thought that the rules of the road applied to cyclists. What I saw today amazed me. 20 or so cyclists in a group travelling the wrong way down a busy, narrow one way street in the centre of town.
This started me thinking that the police are far too lenient on these suicidal morons, after all we have a (fairly draconian) law in this country that if yourcar is uninsured it can be towed off and crushed, no messing. This could easily be applied to cyclists, if you get seen turning right at a no right turn, dodging through red lights, riding over zebra crossings, or hanging on to my roof bars when you pull up, the police should be able to impound your push iron and crush it. And if you manage to kill yourself doing any of these things, then a term of imprisonment should also be imposed.

Another famous saying?

Society expunges individual zeal with an amalgam of banal ennui. 
..........Aaron Chynn

Advent Candle

Ok - who the heck stole our Advent Candle......there we were, watching TV, next thing, someone has snook in while we were snoozing and there is no sign of it!
I shall be making serious enquiries!

Crap

Just nearly went flat on my back in a giant cow pat up the field while walking the dogs. I realised instantly that this is a business opportunity! This stuff is the slippiest stuff known to mankind. It does not melt on a warm day, and only needs water to keep it slippy. Now, if there are two things we have in abundance around here, it is rain and cowshit. I intend to buy the Chevin and cover it with cow crap and open it up as an all weather ski slope. Brilliant eh! Low maintenance or what! How can it fail!