Throwing stuff

I became aware of a cat sitting by the pond in our garden. He or she was clearly watching the fish as they went past. I decided that he required moving along, so I hatched a half witted plan. The thing to do was to get some wood from the woodpile and throw it. The thing I forgot was that I am the world's worst thrower of anything.
I should have remembered.... There was a works cricket match. I was persuaded to bowl. I think that everyone was in shock when the first ball became embedded in the pitch two yards in front of where I stood, the next went off to the left, then the right. You see, the middle finger of my right hand has a condition known as trigger finger, basically IT decides when to release the ball....
Then there was the kong tree....the tree next to the footpath where we walk the dogs in which a large number of the 'balls on ropes' hung like unusual fruit. Oh! and that occasion when I threw one of the kongs and it went straight up in the air, an inordinately long distance up I have to say, only for me to be struck dumb as the missile decided it would strike a direct hit in the middle of Tim's bald head.
As the piece of wood left my hand it immediately became apparent that the idea of throwing in the direction of the cat was not about to happen, nor was it going anywhere near the pond. It was however making a bee line for the shed, where it punched a neat hole in the window. The loud bang was enough to attract the attention of the cat, which let out a wail and jumped from his perch. By the time he had 'run' the full length of the pond, he was looking slightly bedraggled and covered in pond yuk and duckweed.
If it was your cat, I am sorry for the state it ended up in, but it did brighten up my day!

Discrimination

Before we start.....I am not racist!
I treat everyone the same until I am in a position to judge them!
This seems a sound and logical approach to me.
But something really wound me up the other day, I was sent a questionnaire by our wonderful health service, this was not about my health!
Question 1 was about my ethnic origin, and just for the record, my skin is a sort of a pinky sick colour with freckles, so I answered that I was white British.
There was no space for pink, pink with freckles, yellow or brown British.

I think we need a rethink. Being British should not depend upon the shade of your skin. Surely it depends on whether you are proud to call yourself British. I think there are probably many people who consider themselves part of this island community who would take this as some sort of a snub that their ethnic origin is more important than the fact that they have adopted Britain as their home.

I think that the questionnaire was probably thought up by some politically correct do-gooder, although it completely escapes me as to what reason the health service needs to know your ancestral past or the particular hue of your skin. I can only presume that this is somehow related to positive discrimination? maybe I wont get my appointment next time because they have already filled the quota of my particular ethnic type.

Positive discrimination is exactly what it says, DISCRIMINATION. It needs to be scrapped, end of!

known knowns

Woo hoo...exited about getting a mention!

http://cdn-cache.worldlibrary.org/…/There%20are%20known%20k…

for my humble effort.....HOW KNOWLEDGE WORKS:-
There are those that think they know everything, these are the ones who don't know that they don't know everything.
There are those who know that they don't know everything, these are the ones that know that the ones who don't know that they don't know everything know Jack Shit.

With humble apologies to Donald Rumsfeld for almost stealing an idea!

Aspurgers

I have a colleague who does not relate to others well. I had come to the conclusion that he was suffering from some sort of a disorder, possibly something along the lines of Aspurgers syndrome. Having spent several hours in his company in a meeting today I have had to re-assess this, it seems I may have been completely wrong about the guy and he is actually just a complete bell end.

Cameron and Osborne

Yesterday was truly surreal, we knew that we were going to get a visit from an important person, this was obvious by the number of dark suited individuals without necks but sporting a single, far from discreet earpiece. We speculated that it was a member of the cabinet.
They blocked off the road to the factory once the cars were in the drive.
Someone with better eyesight than me said "It's Osborne!"
"Huh!" I replied, "we are honoured, I'm gonna tell him that that stone wall out there is the Scottish border and I bet he takes it in. He won't have a clue that it's well over a hundred miles north of here."
"Oh! bloody hell!" said the observant one "and Cameron."
In a strange sort of way we all felt honoured. This must have been the first time that these two characters had been to somewhere that actually made something useful!
There was a great deal of handshaking going on in reception. "Toffs! I thought. I must get back to the manual writing I was on with."
I became aware of movement over my right shoulder. I turned round and was looking into David Cameron's face. He held out his hand and I shook it. We exchanged a few words about the job I was working on. A colleague got out of his chair and marched swiftly to the loo! After a few moments the group moved on, followed by dark suited neck-less ones and assorted paparazzi.
After a long, long time in the loo my colleague re-appeared.
"Freaked out!" he said, "I would have frozen if one of them had spoken to me, then I would have panicked that I had frozen, and probably barfed. Best that I was in the bog!!!"............LOL

Writers block

I was asked about writers block...........
If I have problems writing, I observe life around me, read the papers, especially local news and sometimes just watch people [fast food places, supermarkets and work are usually pretty good] , there is usually inspiration somewhere. I imagine a life behind the character that the face suggests. It never works, but I do get ejected from places on a regular basis, and occasionally get my collar felt, this gives me something to write about!

The Cheque

Now, I did not regard my literary exploit [Memoirs of an Ordinary Man] as being a complete fail, indeed everyone who has posted a review has given it five stars. Especially now it is also available  as an e-book on dozens of web sites all over.You would think then that sales would increase exponentially! I was a little disappointed when I got my royalty cheque for the last quarter. My sales totalled seven....giving me £7.07.....there was an unexplained deduction of £4.46 [I think this is 30% witholding tax levied by the US government on last years sales].......leaving me with with a grand total of £1.84, I think that it is possibly technically fraud if I do not pay this into my business account and have therefore to pay to put the cheque into the bank, leaving me with 34 pence, minus 30% UK tax is mmmmm.......... about 22 pence. This would have just about covered the fuel to drive to my local branch of HSBC, but it is closing this month and my account is being transferred to Horsforth. This will now cost me about £1.80 each way ignoring any time I lose. But never mind.......I can kill 2 birds with on stone, I have a cheque for 37 pence from Santander bank, a dividend because I have some shares!
Starting to feel rich already!!!