It must be a terrible time of year for dyslexic kids, they will only find out Christmas morning that once again they have written to Satan and asked for lots of presents!!

Summat fer Christmas

Bare-arsed to Blackpool

I have decided that there will have to be a book 3......more of the same.......I have already got a working title for it........"Bare-arsed to Blackpool". Could appen be catchy. Oh dear, back to reality, book 2 will be coming soon!!!

Funny as a Farting Corpse

Well......busy reading and re-reading my latest book, Funny as a Farting Corpse. It is definitely funnier than Memoirs of an Ordinary Man, hopefully someone will show some interest in an author who is neither famous or infamous, but failing that, if the British taxman [I am not famous, infamous or rich, so I have to pay taxes] leaves me enough cash*, it is so good that I will find myself unable to deprive my readers for very long!
*We need to pay our taxes so that we can hold unnecessary elections, allow MP's to charge us for hotels even if they live in London, and pay for expensive upgrades to offices that will have to be upgraded [again] when they close the Houses of Parliament, oh and of course because there is a recession [caused by us poor folk having to pay too much tax and therefore not having any spare cash!!!]

John Wesley

In the afternoon I went to Otley, but the town seemed to be run mad. Such noise, hurry, drunkenness, rioting, confusion I know not where I have met with before. - John Wesley 1766 
There ya go - some things never change!

Movember

Thank you to anyone who has sponsored me in my pathetic effort to remove the facial hair completely in order to grow bum fluff on my top lip for Movember, I list the main contributors below.
Donna Facade, Shirley Knott, Mandy Lifeboats, Lena De-Leffte, Ian Zaggo, Alma Geddon, Alfred Books, Mark Jaquards, Shonagh Crach, Morgan Yathought, Paul Ackey, Theo Reticley, Milly Tarry, Nick Rophillia, Phil Andra, Maurice Danza, Myfanwy Wreaks, Don Kiddik, Miriam Zarrats, Anita Solution, Faye Talfloor, Seamus O'Fekkah, James Burravorras, Eileen Wright, Annika Zoff, Claudia Skize, Tanya Boddy, Ophelia Legge, Bill Dersbutt, Jess Ticulate, Monica Zwif, Sonia Lizst, Peter Riddish, Shaun Mabbutt, Edna Hanz, Cathy Tabag, Fanny De-Flaims

Wellingtons

Wellingtons

Wellingtons are waterproof boots invented by the first President of the US, George Wellington, who was a lumberjack and wore them to stop sawdust getting on his socks when he was cutting down trees.

Heart Attack

Just had a heart attack- well a couple of weeks ago now! They took me down for an angiogram where they feed a tube through an artery from your wrist or groin up to your heart and then pump in some sort of dye so that the arteries show up on x ray. This was done with a local anesthetic and they told me I would just feel a bit of a prick. They wern't kidding...In see through paper pants and hospital gown that opened down the back I felt a complete prick!!!

So.....according to scientists, the dinosaurs farted themselves to death, apparently the veggie ones broke so much wind they caused global warming! Possibly the same scientists came up with the fact that farming of animals is a very innefficient use of land [just try growing wheat on the Chevin and see how far it gets you!] and of course cattle cause global warming by farting. Their alternative is for all 7 billion of us to go veggie................goodbye cruel world!

e-books

Memoirs of an Ordinary Man is now available from all sorts of web sites as an E-Book. This makes it great value, in fact, it was already more laughs per page than any other book and this makes it more laughs per penny. So it should appeal to Yorkshire folk and Scots. When I sell enough, book 2 will be released [already written!] The only bad thing about this will be that Memoirs of an Ordinary Man will be demoted to second funniest book, behind "Funny as a Farting Corpse".

Currently busy with book3!!

Flying Saucers

Contrary to popular belief Flying Saucers were invented by the Greeks. After many years of futile experimentation the country has now run out of money completely and no one can afford replacement crockery. Fortunately the concept was adopted by the Chinese, who are currently producing these units in a Plastic material which do not fly anywhere near as well but can often last two to three times as long as the earlier experimental versions.